The Marriage Software

This is what a guy wrote to our systems analyst.

(Marriage Software Division):



Dear Systems Analyst,



I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.



This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs

and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.



Applications such as 'Boys' Night out 2.5' and 'Golf 5.3' no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected 'Saturday Football 6.3' always fails and 'Saturday Shopping 7.1' runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.



I am thinking of going back to 'Girlfriend 7.0', but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?





AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,



This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.



You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.



Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).



Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the,

C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.



It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.



Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding.

To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as 'Flowers 2.0' and 'Chocolates 5.0' or 'HUGS\ KISSES 600.0' or 'TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0' or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1' (if Child processing has already started).



DO NOT under any circumstances install 'Secretary 2.1” (Short Skirt Version)

or 'One Nightstand 3.2' (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What women want...

Young Oba Akenzua was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a

neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by

Akenzua’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he

could answer a very difficult question.



Akenzua would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he

still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women

really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable

man, and, to young Akenzua, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since

it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an

answer by year's end.



Quest



He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the

poms, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with

everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most

people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know

the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous

throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.



The witch



The last day of the year arrived and Akenzua had no alternative but to

talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to

accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Omorogbe, the most

handsome of the chiefs and Akenzua’s closest friend!



Young Akenzua was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had

only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...He

had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his

friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Omorogbe, upon

learning of the proposal, spoke with Akenzua. He told him that nothing

was too big of a sacrifice compared to Akenzua’s life and the preservation

of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch

answered Akenzua’s question:



What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that

Akenzua’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch

spared Akenzua’s life and granted him total freedom.



Wedding



What a wedding Omorogbe and the witch had! Akenzua was torn between relief

and anguish. Omorogbe was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old

witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched

and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night

approached:



Omorogbe, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.

What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before

him! Omorogbe was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty

replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch),

half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other

half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.



Question



Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Omorogbe began to think of his predicament: During

the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the

privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day

a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate

moments?



What would you do? What Omorogbe chose follows below, but don't read until

you've made your own choice.



Answer

Noble Omorogbe replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon

hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,

because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.





What is the moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY,

UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL THE ANGEL. THE WITCH IN HER WILL ONLY COME OUT IF PROVOKED. MEN LOVE AND RESPECT UR WOMEN, U WILL BE PLEASED

Love letter dedicated to Helen Egbe

...would I, if I could, supplant one of any of the affections that I know to have taken root in you - that great and solemn one, for instance. I feel that if I could get myself remade, as if turned to gold, I WOULD not even then desire to become more than the mere setting to that diamond you must always wear.

The regard and esteem you now give me, in this letter, and which I press to my heart and bow my head upon, is all I can take and all too embarrassing, using all my gratitude.

My Heart -

We are thus far separated - but after all one mile is as bad as a thousand - which is a great consolation to one who must travel six hundred before he meets you again. If it will give you any satisfaction - I am as comfortless as a pilgrim with peas in his shoes - and as cold as Charity - Chastity or any other Virtue.

Olufemi

This morning, I heard a knock on my door and it was my friend chuks. He had been self employed for some time now, no thanks to the economic condition of the country. He used to work in one of the banks until he was told his service was no longer needed in the unit he worked and was drafted to another unit. To cut the long story short, he was given an unimaginable target to meet at the marketing department. He got booted when he couldn’t deliver.
He ventured into his personal business and for those who think going personal is easy, they need to ask my friend. For 3 years now, he has been living like a ghost, unable to pay his usual bills forcing him to live a low life, he doesn’t even hang out with the boys any longer.
This morning, he came to my apartment because he needed advice, he told me he ran into an old friend yesterday, she proposed marriage to him and promised to give him N5million naira to revive his business. The problem now is that this same girl used to be a pass around in the office, everyone among the boys could give a vivid and accurate description of how she looked undressed! Everybody had tasted her and discussed it in the guys cycle! Now, she is offering him a life time package enriched with N5m, though he needs the money, he said he can’t imagine himself living the rest of his life with someone everyone has passed around in the office and most of them will probably be at the wedding since they still get in touch.
What should he do???
As for me? I have no advice for him. Please advice him because he is reading this page. Thanks so much.

A big Question for ladies….please answer!!!!!!!

If you tell your boyfriend you are pregnant and he denies / doubt paternity of the child, what will you do? Will you get rid of the pregnancy? Plead with him that you have never cheated on him, why would he say that or plead with him to allow you have the baby for him then call off the relationship? I need answers from you beautiful gurls! Any gurl without self esteem should not answer here please. I’m tired of the films I watch on DSTV (Africa magic), the other day I saw a film where a gurl was raped by thieves and she refused to flush the stuff which eventually lead to pregnancy and she refused to remove, of course the husband sent her packing because he wouldn’t father a child that wasn’t his as long as she wont get rid of it.
Now ladies, tell me, will you go ahead to carry a baby when the guy in question doesn’t want it putting into consideration the pains you will go through during pregnancy and the attention you will need from your man which wont be there since he’s telling you to get rid of it?
Cant wait to read from Y’all.

Magun: would you administer on your spouse?

Bimpe and Tade started dating since high school, one would have expected that the length of their relationship spanning into 12 yrs would have allowed for trust and understanding. Tade was always insecure, not even after marriage did that change! He wanted to know every man that said hi to his wife, he wanted to know everything his wife did! That of course was like hell for the young pretty woman but she bore it all.
To say I love Tade is an understatement said Bimpe, he is good looking, nice, so caring and loving. He is also successful but never secure. He feels since I am beautiful, there must be a man seeing me or asking me out. For God’s sake I told him several times, I will never descend low to dating anyone at all, not even when we are married.
That’s what Bimpe told me in the office this morning, she was full of tears, now she claims Tade opened up to her last night that he thought she was seeing someone and had administered Magun on her some 11 days earlier and would expire by 14th day. Since no one had died, it means she has been faithful and she will die if no one has sexual intercourse with her! He begged to have sex with her so he could die instead of her because he won’t be his normal self if Bimpe died. She is now in a fix of what to do, should she give in to the husband so he dies or she waits and die or better still look for some guy somewhere and lure him to do it and die?
Please help her make a decision here

My Note: until this morning, I was actually surprised there was still anyone in this jet age using Magun! For those who are not in the know, Magun is a Yoruba word that means don't climb, it is pronounced “margoon”. It is a kind of destructive check put on a lady who is suspected to be having illicit affairs, it is like a rope put on the floor for the lady to step on, she immediately becomes a carrier! It is deadlier than the very dreaded H.I.V it doesn’t waste time in its judgement, it is immediate. When there is sexual intercourse with a woman who carries, the result is immediate death.
My question is why a man would put that on his wife? If you suspect your spouse is cheating, is that the next thing to do?
Please your responses are needed in this one, she has till next week to take a descision or she dies!
Should she allow the husband to climb and die?
Should she look for an innocent guy to climb?
Should she wait and die by herself?

The floor is yours, pls save a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

search the web

Your dating adverts go here

Hi, you can be as anonymous as possible,
place an advert here for your intended partner.
make sure to leave your contact, usually a phone number or email address.

Note: make sure you know the person so much before you arrange a meeting.
lets here your testimony when you are happy together.
cheers
Joyindating team.

Getting engaged

The prelude to a wedding is the whole act of getting engaged and having an engagement. What is getting engaged? Why is it so important to couples that would like to get married?Getting engaged is the process that occurs when couples agree to get married. In today's society it is mostly the man that asks the woman to marry him, but in increasing numbers women are becoming the ones to ask the question. After they have agreed, they are said to be "engaged" to each other. It is at this moment that a woman engaged to man is called that his fiancée, and he becomes her fiancé.Getting engaged is almost the same as betrothal, often time these terms have been used interchangeably. There is a difference however, as betrothal is a formal arrangement or agreement involving the marrying couple and their families and in some cases the community in which they live in. It is traditional that when couples become engaged, the woman wears an engagement ring. The rings are worn to celebrate their engagement. The engagement ring is not the same as wedding rings, which is presented to each other during the wedding ceremonies. Tradition has it that engagement rings should be worn on the third finger of left hand.When couples get engaged the period between the engagement and the wedding is unusually an exciting time for them as they begin to get a feel of what the marriage is going to be like and their respective role in the marriage. The couple's relationship will move to a different level because they looking forward to a life together.They will also be making careful preparations for their wedding day, and will begin to discuss in a serious way any plans they have for their future together, and layout a direction for the family they will create.When couples go through the process of getting engaged, they are this virtue immediately thought of in the community they live in as husband and wife. There is a much higher and deeper level of intimacy, since the couple will be taking on a greater acceptance of their up coming roles as husband and wife.Getting engaged brings about for the couple the spending of more time with each other. They will begin to do a lot of things together, operating like a married couple. By doing these activities together they help to strengthen their relationship and their bond, bringing them closer together and possibly their families. After getting engaged it is common for couples go to live together once their engagement is formally announced.Some couples that are not living in the same country or are some distance away from each other do actually get engaged when their intent is to get married at some time in the distant future. Depending on the couple and their beliefs and customs the engagement period may be very shot or very long. There are certain religious groups that require that couples be engaged for up to a year before they can get married. Hence getting engaged for them is the beginning of a very long preparation period for the couple.Getting engaged is sometimes followed, in some cultures, by a formal announcement and a massive celebration or party. This is to commemorate the engagement of the couple and their commitment to each other. The engage couple is presented to the world almost like a coming out party. It is important for couples to remember that getting engaged is the beginning of their journey together and they are not to take it lightly.

Romantic proposals

Now guys, lets make this group very interesting. You dont know whose life you might touch by sharing your stories.If you are married or engaged, can you share how you were proposed to?If you are not yet engaged, please share how you will love to be proposed to or proposal stories you have heard.lets be creative guys, lets see whose story will be the most romantic!!!

22 ways to make a gurl smile

1 . Tell her she is beautiful or gorgeous(not fine, or sexy)2 . Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if its just for a second.3 . Kiss her on the forehead/ neck.4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to.5 . When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.6 . Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.7 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.8 . Write her notes. (she loves them)9 . Introduce her to family and friends . . . as your girlfriend and not your chick!10 . Play with her hair.11 . Pick her up, tickle her, and play-wrestle with her.12 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.13 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, or just tell her jokes.14 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.15 . If she's mad at you, kiss her.16 . Give her piggyback rides.17 . Bring her flowers18 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when your alone.19 . Look her in the eyes and smile.20 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.21 . Kiss her in the rain.22 . If your in love with her . . . tell her.this is not my work!!!

Marriage experiences

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'ma virgin and I don'tknow anything about sex. Can you explain it to mefirst?""OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call yourprivate place 'theprison' and call my private thing 'theprisoner'. So what we do is: putthe prisoner in the prison.And then they made love for the first time.Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smilingwithsatisfaction.Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisonerseems to haveescaped."Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have tore-imprison him."After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for hiscigarettes butthe girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of makinglove, giveshim a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is outagain!"The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legsof a recentlyborn foal.Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escapedagain."Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, itsnot a life sentence,OKAY!

Check your thinking skills

1) A cowboy rode into town on Friday, spent 2 days and rode out on Friday. How can this be possible? Lets see the first person to reply to this in the group.2) Give a seven letter word that is before God, more evil than the devil, the poor has it,the rich need it and if you eat it, you will die. What is the word?Goodluck in thinking.

Romance and Finance

Hi there, are you part of those that believe Romance is sweet when the pocket is big?Yes or No…Well I expect everyone to say Yes. Afterall, I love you wont pay your bills, it wont buy you a meal at Barcelors, it wont pay the cab guy. In fact, it has been proven that when finances dwindle, the relationship turns sour, saying I love you becomes most difficult.That’s why once again I recommend the book “who moved my cheese” It will gear you up, you will never feel too comfortable with your present status. That you drive a 2009 model of land cruiser and stay in a porch flat in Osborne road doesn’t mean its going to remain like that forever, though it might. Most of the people being affected by credit crunch today and committing suicide once probably felt they had their finances secured and went to bed early only to wake up into bankruptcy.Tuned met shade while working at the bank, he was a top management staff. He could afford whatever he wanted and didn’t care about eventualities. Shade had all the fun and enjoyed all the money, she shopped like the stores were going to be closed down the next day. The love between them was so much that they called each other almost every minute spending a lot on call cards. There was a fraud in the bank Tunde was affected. Not that he had hand in it but he was implicated. His official apartment and cars were confiscated. He could barely afford a cab because his account was frozen. Since he had no investment elsewhere, he was stranded. Shade who once told him she wouldn’t exist one minute without him told him he was better as a dead man!No doubt when you loose finance, you loose Romance!My recommendation:Even Bill Gates and Dangote want more money and so why would you think you are comfortable and don't need more money even when they are easy to make?For being a member of this group, I am going to give you an extra source of income. You can start making $300 every month if you can spend 5minutes on the sites every day. It wont take you more than 5minutes to start off and its free! If you are serious about it, you can make $5,000 or more monthly from the sites. $300 is just for starters.This is what to do, Register on these 2 sites, http://adcash.org/reflink.aspx?mid=87218 http://www.6dgr.com/index.php?mode=join&ref_id=26556++one pays you $10 while the other pays $2 for registering alone. When you click their adverts, you get more money. If you have problems collecting your money, mail me and I’ll assist you.(femi.odeyemi@joyindating.com)Here is what you can use $10 to do:You can register a domain name of your choice like www.joyindating.com ,go to a site like godaddy.com or sedo.com to sell the name, it wont cost you anything. You might just be lucky and sell for $10,000! Someone like us registered wrestling.com and sold it for $500,000!!! Just imagine if it were you! What you need to do is just be creative about the name.Even if you don't sell your domain name, you can get money from it everyday. You can mail me for more information on that.Don't let your finance dwindle before you get your ass on track! That your sweet spouse will suddenly turn bitter. Share this mail with your friends who need extra income if you don’t. It’s bad to be selfish.Goodluck guys.

When is my time oh Lord?

Right there on my table in the office is Tinuke’s wedding invitation Shade told me, Tinuke of all people! Who ever thought she was going to get married? While on campus, she was the happening girl. There was no party she didn’t attend, there was no happening boy she didn’t sleep with. I can’t even count the number of abortions she had! All the doctors in the hospitals all over knew her and most of them even slept with her. We even thought she was going to contact H.I.V and pass on just like that but hey, she is getting married! Not only getting married, she is getting married to a rich bachelor who just came from the UK she said.I am still a virgin, I have waited so much for the right man to come along, I have kept myself for the wedding night, I have been so faithful to God and to my believe. But nobody is proposing to me! What could be wrong? She broke down and started crying right there in front of me.Well you see, I started, the way you led your past most times affect the future, so I am happy for you. The fact that Tinuke led that kind of life and is getting married now doesn’t mean everyone like her will get married, she is just lucky and who knows, her luck might run out sooner or later when the guy’s friends discover they all have slept with her. Anyway, don't let us talk about Tinuke, lets talk about you and how to attract the right man.Look at the kind of gathering you have been attending (church/mosque), the kind of clothes you have been putting on, the way you present yourself, the way you attend to issues at work or in your neighborhood. All these will attract the right or wrong man. You need to let them know you are available and not behave as if you are engaged to one invisible guy in Potiskum. Join groups in your church/mosque at least to get to interact with single people like you.I really wonder why some pretty girls don't get hooked up and they start crying in their closet when their friends are getting married. Do the right thing girl, your man is around the corner!!!

How has your facebook activities affected your relationship?

Ok peeps, lets talk seriously a little.How has facebook affected your reltionship?I read in the paper sometime ago that a man killed his wife because of her relationship status on facebook. Hmmm, has it affected your own relayionship? Please share with us how your partner's adding of friends, writing on people's walls, etc has been a source of concern to you.This is an extract from a mail i just got from a close friend,i had earlier invited her to join our group but she didnt join, i then mailed her to know why she hasnt letting her know the group is for both married ans not married, though she's not married and she told me..."look femo,its not that i dont want to join but my man has been complaining about my activities on facebook, he feels someone will come from nowhere and take me from him. He doesnt want to loose all he has invested on me lol"is something like that happening in your relationship? how have you managed it? please share with us here. thanks...

What will make you beat your spouse?

Hi guys, i am getting really scared! I mean scared.We keep hearing news everyday that people who are in a relationship are beating themselves up!The latest is Chris Brown and Rihanna.My question is this...what will your spouse do for you to beat him or her?I understand some ladies beat their guys too!!!I'm just scared, i think i am too old for beating.

When a man loves a woman ...curled from odeyemi Tolulope's note(unedited)

it's a film i watched , and i think it makes a lot of sense , but come to think of it in the real sense , it makes more sense , when i personally is being tripped by a guy , a guy who goes all the way to make me feel loved , a guy who make sacrifices all to make sure am protected , but how much sacrifices , i ask myself ,can he make to prove his love , how far is he willing to go to show me he is my long lost bone that 's found , when i watched this film it takes me back to the first fictional love story in the world , which is 'romeo & juliet 'this is my perfect guy that lays it all down for the sake of his beloved , but really is it really perfect ?they experienced love , suffered for it and eventually died for it,people over times have called this kind of love 'immature and unrealistic' which to an extent i agree but every lady wants a romoe kind of love , guys don't blame us it's our configuration, it 's who we are , we want to be sure this guy can do it all for us but it can't sure happen again , yeah i am beginning to hear and see reactions from u guys , but wait and hear me out ,In the Nigeria contest how far is a guy ready to go for his loved one'girl' can he forgo his club football march like that of yesterday'Man Utd' to hear my full gist about how my day went, can he forsake 'hanging with the guys ' to watching a old romantic film with me together on the couch, can he stay with me when the aging process of menopause sets in and hot flushes comes in , when the desire to have sex wanes , when all that i do then is to sweat , get irritated, will he still loves me when the once upfront breasts becomes sagging and droopy ,will he still go gaga on me ,if when i have his child spit all over my body and God knows that am damn stinking cos of child' vomit .these are the questions that comes to my mind ,when watching this great movie 'when a man loves a woman' a man who stood by his wife life uncertainties came in form of a ravaging cancer of the breasts, wwill he wait by me when the once adored figure 8 body is turned pale and lifeless by Chemotherapy , these are the questions that comes to every lady's mind when a guy is professing his love on his knees , she is thinking will he still love me like this in 40 years to come , will he walk the aging process with me? will he a be a firm and present father to our kids because all of these is what a man does when he loves a woman.hope to hear comments from u guys ,it spurs me on ,luv to all

What would you do if your fiancee were raped?

She came to me without a smile,It was unlike Tinuke, she was always full of smiles anytime she saw me, I have always thought she likes seeing the handsome face of her fiance and thats why she smiles always. i appreciate the smile you know, it makes her more beautiful and always presentable to my friends or colleagues depending on where and who she saw me with. In those times, i would get up, give her a hug,kiss her forehead and squeeze her butt a little to show she's always sexy and i am always pleased to be with her.she always replied me with a kiss, usually a french one but it was different yesterday, as she approached, i saw tears flowing freely down her cheeks, i was immediately moved, people who know me know i hate to see pple i dont care about get hurt, talkless of who i cared so much about.I rushed to her,my mind was blank, i couldnt think of anything that could have happened but i wanted to register the fact immediately that whatever was wrong, we were in it together!I hugged her as usual and squeezed her butt hard this time to show i care so much about her.Honey, she started slowly, I have been raped! I was a bit dazed! I wanted to pass out but i got myself, pushed her back a little and looked into her face lovinly, assuringly, and caringly if those words exist!She told me how it happened and right there, i assured her of my neverdying love.This story is an imagination of Olufemi Odeyemi.Now guys, what do you do when your woman comes home raped? why do some people treat rape as a cause or as the end of the world? I hope it doesnt happen to me but if it does, i will continue to love my woman as long as she didnt go raping the guy

Welcome home

wow, you are all welcome to our blog, lets make this place great for all of us.
we hope to find succour, solace,joy,frienship,and lots more in here, welcome home.