This is what a guy wrote to our systems analyst.
(Marriage Software Division):
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs
and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as 'Boys' Night out 2.5' and 'Golf 5.3' no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected 'Saturday Football 6.3' always fails and 'Saturday Shopping 7.1' runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to 'Girlfriend 7.0', but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?
AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the,
C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as 'Flowers 2.0' and 'Chocolates 5.0' or 'HUGS\ KISSES 600.0' or 'TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0' or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1' (if Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install 'Secretary 2.1” (Short Skirt Version)
or 'One Nightstand 3.2' (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.
BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
What women want...
Young Oba Akenzua was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Akenzua’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he
could answer a very difficult question.
Akenzua would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he
still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women
really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable
man, and, to young Akenzua, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since
it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an
answer by year's end.
Quest
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
poms, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with
everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most
people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know
the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The witch
The last day of the year arrived and Akenzua had no alternative but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to
accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Omorogbe, the most
handsome of the chiefs and Akenzua’s closest friend!
Young Akenzua was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...He
had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his
friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Omorogbe, upon
learning of the proposal, spoke with Akenzua. He told him that nothing
was too big of a sacrifice compared to Akenzua’s life and the preservation
of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch
answered Akenzua’s question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Akenzua’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch
spared Akenzua’s life and granted him total freedom.
Wedding
What a wedding Omorogbe and the witch had! Akenzua was torn between relief
and anguish. Omorogbe was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched
and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night
approached:
Omorogbe, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.
What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him! Omorogbe was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty
replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch),
half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other
half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Question
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Omorogbe began to think of his predicament: During
the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day
a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate
moments?
What would you do? What Omorogbe chose follows below, but don't read until
you've made your own choice.
Answer
Noble Omorogbe replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY,
UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL THE ANGEL. THE WITCH IN HER WILL ONLY COME OUT IF PROVOKED. MEN LOVE AND RESPECT UR WOMEN, U WILL BE PLEASED
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Akenzua’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he
could answer a very difficult question.
Akenzua would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he
still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women
really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable
man, and, to young Akenzua, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since
it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an
answer by year's end.
Quest
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
poms, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with
everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most
people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know
the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The witch
The last day of the year arrived and Akenzua had no alternative but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to
accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Omorogbe, the most
handsome of the chiefs and Akenzua’s closest friend!
Young Akenzua was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...He
had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his
friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Omorogbe, upon
learning of the proposal, spoke with Akenzua. He told him that nothing
was too big of a sacrifice compared to Akenzua’s life and the preservation
of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch
answered Akenzua’s question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Akenzua’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch
spared Akenzua’s life and granted him total freedom.
Wedding
What a wedding Omorogbe and the witch had! Akenzua was torn between relief
and anguish. Omorogbe was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched
and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night
approached:
Omorogbe, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.
What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him! Omorogbe was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty
replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch),
half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other
half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Question
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Omorogbe began to think of his predicament: During
the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day
a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate
moments?
What would you do? What Omorogbe chose follows below, but don't read until
you've made your own choice.
Answer
Noble Omorogbe replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY,
UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL THE ANGEL. THE WITCH IN HER WILL ONLY COME OUT IF PROVOKED. MEN LOVE AND RESPECT UR WOMEN, U WILL BE PLEASED
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