This is what a guy wrote to our systems analyst.
(Marriage Software Division):
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs
and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as 'Boys' Night out 2.5' and 'Golf 5.3' no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected 'Saturday Football 6.3' always fails and 'Saturday Shopping 7.1' runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to 'Girlfriend 7.0', but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?
AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the,
C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as 'Flowers 2.0' and 'Chocolates 5.0' or 'HUGS\ KISSES 600.0' or 'TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0' or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1' (if Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install 'Secretary 2.1” (Short Skirt Version)
or 'One Nightstand 3.2' (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.
BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
What women want...
Young Oba Akenzua was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Akenzua’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he
could answer a very difficult question.
Akenzua would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he
still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women
really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable
man, and, to young Akenzua, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since
it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an
answer by year's end.
Quest
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
poms, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with
everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most
people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know
the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The witch
The last day of the year arrived and Akenzua had no alternative but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to
accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Omorogbe, the most
handsome of the chiefs and Akenzua’s closest friend!
Young Akenzua was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...He
had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his
friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Omorogbe, upon
learning of the proposal, spoke with Akenzua. He told him that nothing
was too big of a sacrifice compared to Akenzua’s life and the preservation
of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch
answered Akenzua’s question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Akenzua’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch
spared Akenzua’s life and granted him total freedom.
Wedding
What a wedding Omorogbe and the witch had! Akenzua was torn between relief
and anguish. Omorogbe was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched
and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night
approached:
Omorogbe, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.
What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him! Omorogbe was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty
replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch),
half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other
half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Question
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Omorogbe began to think of his predicament: During
the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day
a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate
moments?
What would you do? What Omorogbe chose follows below, but don't read until
you've made your own choice.
Answer
Noble Omorogbe replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY,
UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL THE ANGEL. THE WITCH IN HER WILL ONLY COME OUT IF PROVOKED. MEN LOVE AND RESPECT UR WOMEN, U WILL BE PLEASED
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Akenzua’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he
could answer a very difficult question.
Akenzua would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he
still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women
really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable
man, and, to young Akenzua, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since
it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an
answer by year's end.
Quest
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
poms, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with
everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most
people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know
the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The witch
The last day of the year arrived and Akenzua had no alternative but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to
accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Omorogbe, the most
handsome of the chiefs and Akenzua’s closest friend!
Young Akenzua was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...He
had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his
friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Omorogbe, upon
learning of the proposal, spoke with Akenzua. He told him that nothing
was too big of a sacrifice compared to Akenzua’s life and the preservation
of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch
answered Akenzua’s question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Akenzua’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch
spared Akenzua’s life and granted him total freedom.
Wedding
What a wedding Omorogbe and the witch had! Akenzua was torn between relief
and anguish. Omorogbe was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched
and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night
approached:
Omorogbe, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.
What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him! Omorogbe was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty
replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch),
half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other
half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Question
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Omorogbe began to think of his predicament: During
the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day
a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate
moments?
What would you do? What Omorogbe chose follows below, but don't read until
you've made your own choice.
Answer
Noble Omorogbe replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY,
UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL THE ANGEL. THE WITCH IN HER WILL ONLY COME OUT IF PROVOKED. MEN LOVE AND RESPECT UR WOMEN, U WILL BE PLEASED
Friday, July 17, 2009
Love letter dedicated to Helen Egbe
...would I, if I could, supplant one of any of the affections that I know to have taken root in you - that great and solemn one, for instance. I feel that if I could get myself remade, as if turned to gold, I WOULD not even then desire to become more than the mere setting to that diamond you must always wear.
The regard and esteem you now give me, in this letter, and which I press to my heart and bow my head upon, is all I can take and all too embarrassing, using all my gratitude.
My Heart -
We are thus far separated - but after all one mile is as bad as a thousand - which is a great consolation to one who must travel six hundred before he meets you again. If it will give you any satisfaction - I am as comfortless as a pilgrim with peas in his shoes - and as cold as Charity - Chastity or any other Virtue.
Olufemi
Friday, June 5, 2009
This morning, I heard a knock on my door and it was my friend chuks. He had been self employed for some time now, no thanks to the economic condition of the country. He used to work in one of the banks until he was told his service was no longer needed in the unit he worked and was drafted to another unit. To cut the long story short, he was given an unimaginable target to meet at the marketing department. He got booted when he couldn’t deliver.
He ventured into his personal business and for those who think going personal is easy, they need to ask my friend. For 3 years now, he has been living like a ghost, unable to pay his usual bills forcing him to live a low life, he doesn’t even hang out with the boys any longer.
This morning, he came to my apartment because he needed advice, he told me he ran into an old friend yesterday, she proposed marriage to him and promised to give him N5million naira to revive his business. The problem now is that this same girl used to be a pass around in the office, everyone among the boys could give a vivid and accurate description of how she looked undressed! Everybody had tasted her and discussed it in the guys cycle! Now, she is offering him a life time package enriched with N5m, though he needs the money, he said he can’t imagine himself living the rest of his life with someone everyone has passed around in the office and most of them will probably be at the wedding since they still get in touch.
What should he do???
As for me? I have no advice for him. Please advice him because he is reading this page. Thanks so much.
He ventured into his personal business and for those who think going personal is easy, they need to ask my friend. For 3 years now, he has been living like a ghost, unable to pay his usual bills forcing him to live a low life, he doesn’t even hang out with the boys any longer.
This morning, he came to my apartment because he needed advice, he told me he ran into an old friend yesterday, she proposed marriage to him and promised to give him N5million naira to revive his business. The problem now is that this same girl used to be a pass around in the office, everyone among the boys could give a vivid and accurate description of how she looked undressed! Everybody had tasted her and discussed it in the guys cycle! Now, she is offering him a life time package enriched with N5m, though he needs the money, he said he can’t imagine himself living the rest of his life with someone everyone has passed around in the office and most of them will probably be at the wedding since they still get in touch.
What should he do???
As for me? I have no advice for him. Please advice him because he is reading this page. Thanks so much.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
A big Question for ladies….please answer!!!!!!!
If you tell your boyfriend you are pregnant and he denies / doubt paternity of the child, what will you do? Will you get rid of the pregnancy? Plead with him that you have never cheated on him, why would he say that or plead with him to allow you have the baby for him then call off the relationship? I need answers from you beautiful gurls! Any gurl without self esteem should not answer here please. I’m tired of the films I watch on DSTV (Africa magic), the other day I saw a film where a gurl was raped by thieves and she refused to flush the stuff which eventually lead to pregnancy and she refused to remove, of course the husband sent her packing because he wouldn’t father a child that wasn’t his as long as she wont get rid of it.
Now ladies, tell me, will you go ahead to carry a baby when the guy in question doesn’t want it putting into consideration the pains you will go through during pregnancy and the attention you will need from your man which wont be there since he’s telling you to get rid of it?
Cant wait to read from Y’all.
Now ladies, tell me, will you go ahead to carry a baby when the guy in question doesn’t want it putting into consideration the pains you will go through during pregnancy and the attention you will need from your man which wont be there since he’s telling you to get rid of it?
Cant wait to read from Y’all.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Magun: would you administer on your spouse?
Bimpe and Tade started dating since high school, one would have expected that the length of their relationship spanning into 12 yrs would have allowed for trust and understanding. Tade was always insecure, not even after marriage did that change! He wanted to know every man that said hi to his wife, he wanted to know everything his wife did! That of course was like hell for the young pretty woman but she bore it all.
To say I love Tade is an understatement said Bimpe, he is good looking, nice, so caring and loving. He is also successful but never secure. He feels since I am beautiful, there must be a man seeing me or asking me out. For God’s sake I told him several times, I will never descend low to dating anyone at all, not even when we are married.
That’s what Bimpe told me in the office this morning, she was full of tears, now she claims Tade opened up to her last night that he thought she was seeing someone and had administered Magun on her some 11 days earlier and would expire by 14th day. Since no one had died, it means she has been faithful and she will die if no one has sexual intercourse with her! He begged to have sex with her so he could die instead of her because he won’t be his normal self if Bimpe died. She is now in a fix of what to do, should she give in to the husband so he dies or she waits and die or better still look for some guy somewhere and lure him to do it and die?
Please help her make a decision here
My Note: until this morning, I was actually surprised there was still anyone in this jet age using Magun! For those who are not in the know, Magun is a Yoruba word that means don't climb, it is pronounced “margoon”. It is a kind of destructive check put on a lady who is suspected to be having illicit affairs, it is like a rope put on the floor for the lady to step on, she immediately becomes a carrier! It is deadlier than the very dreaded H.I.V it doesn’t waste time in its judgement, it is immediate. When there is sexual intercourse with a woman who carries, the result is immediate death.
My question is why a man would put that on his wife? If you suspect your spouse is cheating, is that the next thing to do?
Please your responses are needed in this one, she has till next week to take a descision or she dies!
Should she allow the husband to climb and die?
Should she look for an innocent guy to climb?
Should she wait and die by herself?
The floor is yours, pls save a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To say I love Tade is an understatement said Bimpe, he is good looking, nice, so caring and loving. He is also successful but never secure. He feels since I am beautiful, there must be a man seeing me or asking me out. For God’s sake I told him several times, I will never descend low to dating anyone at all, not even when we are married.
That’s what Bimpe told me in the office this morning, she was full of tears, now she claims Tade opened up to her last night that he thought she was seeing someone and had administered Magun on her some 11 days earlier and would expire by 14th day. Since no one had died, it means she has been faithful and she will die if no one has sexual intercourse with her! He begged to have sex with her so he could die instead of her because he won’t be his normal self if Bimpe died. She is now in a fix of what to do, should she give in to the husband so he dies or she waits and die or better still look for some guy somewhere and lure him to do it and die?
Please help her make a decision here
My Note: until this morning, I was actually surprised there was still anyone in this jet age using Magun! For those who are not in the know, Magun is a Yoruba word that means don't climb, it is pronounced “margoon”. It is a kind of destructive check put on a lady who is suspected to be having illicit affairs, it is like a rope put on the floor for the lady to step on, she immediately becomes a carrier! It is deadlier than the very dreaded H.I.V it doesn’t waste time in its judgement, it is immediate. When there is sexual intercourse with a woman who carries, the result is immediate death.
My question is why a man would put that on his wife? If you suspect your spouse is cheating, is that the next thing to do?
Please your responses are needed in this one, she has till next week to take a descision or she dies!
Should she allow the husband to climb and die?
Should she look for an innocent guy to climb?
Should she wait and die by herself?
The floor is yours, pls save a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
